Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
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What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq