Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
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The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.