No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
You Might Also Like
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
There are no pants in heaven.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.