[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
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I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Found the job I’m suited for
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter