@Shade510

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

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@designersays

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

@Quack_Daniel

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

@weinerdog4life

No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.

@JohnHilsen

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

@Night_ER_Ninja

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

@IamEnidColeslaw

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

@KarenKilgariff

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

@TheTweetOfGod

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.