Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
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When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.