*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
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Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.