my astrological sign is a french fry
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Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Still my favourite meme.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?