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Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?