Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
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“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.