Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
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Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
An odd boast
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.