She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
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I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
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Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.