Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
You Might Also Like
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
me when I see my crush
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance: