James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
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Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.