James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

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opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses


May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.


pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”


[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*


Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.


*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife


What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance



not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️


I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.


My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.