@thatdentaldude

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

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@jonnysun

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

@Freak0nIine

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

@sbellelauren

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

@heytherecore

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

@KateQFunny

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

@TheBoydP

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

@envydatropic

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

@jonnysun

⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢

not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

@jjhartinger

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

@writerPT

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.