James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
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I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.