It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
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The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.