[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
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[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.