[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
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Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I like long walks away from everyone
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?