[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
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ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Investing in beetcoin
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery