“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
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Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Happy Thanksgiving
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them