Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
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American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs