Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
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Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”