ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
You Might Also Like
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
next level snooze
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
The only good comments section online is on recipes