The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
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If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.