Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

…u ok Nintendo?

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.