me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
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Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”