Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
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Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?