What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
You Might Also Like
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*