Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
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There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
But I really needed water water water
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no