It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
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I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
#Caturday
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required