It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

You Might Also Like


My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”


Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.


Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes


*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go


My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.


“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*


HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT


A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.