pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
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me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
spot the difference
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Challenge accepted.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie