Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
You Might Also Like
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”