@mommy_cusses Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
@jollyrobber Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
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@mommy_cusses 
@FredTaming daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
@ZoeeSom “You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
@aligarchy *hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
@IamEnidColeslaw WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
@KonstantinKisin My time has come.
@desijourno When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
@justmommabee Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
@JakeDuarte43 Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
@radtoria my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks