Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here