Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
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You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
hackers play passwordle
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner