every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
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papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Xylophonist Shredding It
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time