I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
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In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
That’s it.I’m out.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis