my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
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I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.