[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
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Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I’m Sold!
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!