Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
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WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Running from your problems is cardio .
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.