@schumoo

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

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@Tw1tter_K1tten

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

@PlainTravis

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

@TesstifyBarker

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

@HrBry

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

@djdarrellripley

Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!

@CVTBaby

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

@Amusitr0n

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

@SondraDeeMe

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

@nekolot

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.