@Tw1tter_K1tten Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
@schumoo I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
You Might Also Like
@Tw1tter_K1tten 
@PlainTravis I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
@TesstifyBarker Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
@HrBry Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
@djdarrellripley Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
@CVTBaby Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
@Amusitr0n Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
@SondraDeeMe My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
@IamEnidColeslaw “YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
@nekolot Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.