My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
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The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for: