CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
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so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode