Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

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We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.


Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.


I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.



My resolutions are:

1) Stop making any lists.

B) Be more stable.

7) Learn to count.


I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.


Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual


“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”


[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?