Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
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(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.