Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
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“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie