I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
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No way!
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.