There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
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• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Someone just threatened to call me later
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”