Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
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When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
*pronounces fake like saké*
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*