*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
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dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
My neck my back my allergy attack
when nothing goes right… go left
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.