I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
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Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”