[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
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Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
another case of gang violins
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is