12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
![]()
You Might Also Like
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
If snakes were wide
![]()
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
![]()