12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
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The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.