My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
You Might Also Like
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…